Our history

While hoping for my phone to ring with your name showing on the caller ID, trying to avoid the fact that I knew no call would come, a thought came to me: “We will remain what we’ve always been, a collection of opportunities missed and moments passed.” I wonder if we´ll ever be more than this..?

17 Reasons why… I shed a tear today

1)      You didn’t call

2)      I knew you weren’t  going to call

3)      I heard the lie in your voice

4)      I found the truth in your words

5)      Felt the despair in my heart

6)      The bit of hope that died

7)      The illusion that faded

8)      The empty spot in my heart

9)      The longing for your embrace

10)   The desire for your kiss

11)   The warmth of understanding

12)   The silent smile of a caring heart

13)   The comforting smell of hot coffee

14)   The reassuring feeling of the paper and pen

15)   The hope that tomorrow will be a better day

16)   The uncertainty of seeing you again

17)   The biggest tear of all, you never proved me wrong.

Questions in the middle of the night

So what do you do, when what you thought was there is suddenly yanked out from under your feet? Do you pretend everything is going to be fine? Do you pretend is all over and begin moving on? Do you stand still and wait to see what happens?

Positive thinking is, was, what can make a difference in your life. Do I keep thinking positive about you and me? Do I keep hoping you’ll choose me, so my positive thinking works its magic? Or do I resign myself to loosing you to someone else and keep moving on with my life?

The other day I wrote about faith and love. Do I hold onto my faith until all hope is gone? Or do I surrender and give up?

So many different ways to ask the same, and yet no answer to any of them.

Tuesday’s Lesson

So many times I wondered what would happen if I saw or heard from that person again? What would I feel? What would I think? Would it hurt? Would I be mad?…. My question was answered this past Tuesday, where out of the blue I got a message on FB from him, completely casual asking how I was, and if I would like to grab a coffee with him.

I can’t deny that I was shocked, he was so casual, so relaxed, so him (I guess). I told him I had moved to another city, he said he wanted to thank me for everything he learned while being with me and to wish me all the best.

My family was upset that I replied to his messages, saying that there was nothing to say and that me replying to his messages was wrong and was asked repeatedly why I didn’t ask him to go F… himself after everything he did to me.

Regarding all my questions, here are my answers. Hearing his voice generated no reaction, I wasn’t nervous or excited, I felt no pain, no happiness, I actually felt nothing but curiosity. We talked for a few minutes and then he hung up and I felt nothing, and that was the best feeling in the world.

This guy hurt me in the deepest way possible; he left a shredded heart, a broken soul and a mangled spirit; and never once thought he did anything wrong. He blamed me for everything that went wrong with the relationship and had me completely under his control and I was head over heels in love with him.

It took me sometime and the love of my best friend and family to summon the will to move, once I was there I decided not to look back and push forward. I took the pieces of my shredded heart and carefully healed it, it’s scarred but it still knows how to love and it’s not afraid to feel. My broken soul was patched up with time, positive thread and caring needle and my mangled spirit with positive energy, positive thoughts and careful nourishing was brought back to health. The side effect of this healing process is that I became a better and stronger version of myself and Tuesday was the day when I realized that meanness, hate, resentment, ill-wishing, and revenge took no piece or hold of me.

Thank you life, for the opportunity, thank you for every lesson you’ve taught me this past couple of years and for flowing thru me with love, happiness and life.

Faith?

“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”

Erich Fromm

… whoever is of little faith is also of little love…

Those words keep repeating in my mind, maybe because right now all I have left is faith, I don’t have facts, or a well based theory. Just faith, a gut feeling, a dream (not in the Martin Luther King “I have a dream” kind of way, I mean a literal dream) a recurring dream of you and me. Only faith, nothing else, I have to wait, until the time comes… Never been good at waiting but always been good at loving, so if I reverse engineer this… it means that I am a person of faith?

Letter

Good bye my almost lover

For a while now I debated between expressing what I feel about the way things happened between us or just keep it in, and try to forget… What I realized is that keeping things in will keep me from healing so, here it is.

There’s no doubt that I fell for you, completely, utterly and totally. Gave myself to you completely and believed every single word you said above anyone else’s, including my own. I knew what was happening and I still stayed, never ran away. I knew I was gonna end up heartbroken, in pieces and in pain. Didn’t matter, I loved you and wanted to love you.

I knew the reason why you kept coming back was because I made you feel safe. When things were falling apart with the girls you were seeing, you knew you could always come back to me and I would welcome you with open arms under the flag of a friendship and you could always play my weaknesses and I once again will let you in. I let you do that to me two times. The first time I ended up heartbroken. I was a wreck, not proud of admitting it, but I was on pretty bad shape, didn’t want to do anything, couldn’t sleep cause you were in my dreams, couldn’t stay awake because the pain was unbearable and there was no pill for it. Fought myself all the way to make sure I wouldn’t become an empty shell person. I cried you for days, even in my sleep until someone told me to stop and keep moving. And I did, I moved, left a city that had nothing to offer to me and moved to a city with many opportunities. It was a hard decision mostly because there are people that I care deeply for, but I had to, and it proved to be the right decision.

We talked, we promised we would be friends, and I meant it. Guess the word means different things for you and me. We had broken up, I was broken up and yet we decided to date until I left. I let my head be filled with promises that were never meant to come true. Had to swallow the most painful statements about other girls you were seeing, because we were friends and I wanted to be there for you. After a while, things with the girl you were seeing began to fall apart and all of a sudden you realized that you still had feelings for me, you sang love songs to me, you wanted to see me, you wanted to be with me, and I fell for it, for every single word. So… I went. We had an amazing time together, we talked, we decided to try again…. Shocking how a couple of weeks after I returned you realized it wasn’t working, because someone asked you out and you wanted to say yes. So it ended again, whatever healing I had, it was undone and had to start mending my heart again. Good thing for me that I had changed so much since the first time you broke my heart. I am now stronger, more honest with me and the world, I love myself, I care for myself and even though I still have my weaknesses that you know so well, now that I know them I’m getting rid of them. So this heart ache was diminished, to a night of tears and my determination to be your friend but nothing more. It was working, things are going great for me, since I let you go, and everything began working for me. I’m happy, something I haven’t been for a very long time. I know that pain is part of happiness and when she comes I embrace it too, but never let her stay for long.

So we were friends and things we working out between you and me, until you met someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you and I’m hoping she is the one for you and that she makes you happy, I love you that much and in that way. Here’s the but in the whole thing. There was a moment a few weeks ago when you weren’t sure things with this girl were going to work so once again you became extra nice and cute with me. This time I already had identified your behavior and didn’t fell for it, but wasn’t prepared for what happened once you realized that it was going to work between the both of you. You disposed of our friendship. Couldn’t believe myself when I heard your words. After a certain point in your speech something switched off inside me and everything else was heard by a different side of me. You won’t hurt me anymore. I don’t hate you and I know I still love you, I’m not fighting that, I know that is something that will exist, so I just accept it and move on.

After all that happened I’m sure of this. Thank you for being the match that ignited the gun powder in me. The wound that you left will never heal, but with time the scar will be less noticeable. Thank you for the experience that shocked me to my core and gave the push I needed to change. Thank you for the memories and lessons, will always carry those with me.

Goodbye my almost lover.

                                                               Love always, me.

Are there really 17 reasons why; to anything and everything?

If there are, then, which are my 17 reasons?

What would happen if I actually looked for 17 reasons why I do everything?

Would it make me more conscious of my everyday life?

Would it make me value the little moments more?

Would it make me rethink my habits?

Would it make it easier to change them?

Could it be a platform to self-improvement?

Could it be a way to get to know me better?

Would it make it harder?

Could this lead to a better acceptance of my pros and cons?

Would it make me smile or cry?

Would it change the way I perceive the world?

Would it make me care more or less?

Could it be a way to discover a hidden truth?

How deep would I look?

Could this lead to a radical change?

Would it change the way I decide?